Make Canada Great Again
Welcoming Our Northern Neighbors As State 51
For too long, Canada has lived under the illusion of independence, a nation that exists not on its own merits, but as a perpetual beneficiary of American defense, trade, and cultural influence. Yet despite their reliance on the United States for stability, prosperity, and even relevance, Canadians persist in the fantasy that they are somehow distinct from their bigger, stronger, more globally significant neighbor. This charade has gone on long enough. It is time to bring Canada home, to correct the cartographical mistake of 1776 and officially welcome our polite, hockey-obsessed, maple-farming cousins as the 51st state of the United States of America.
Now, of course, some Canadians will bristle at this suggestion. The same people who falsely believe that their “free” healthcare is superior, who still cling to their battered copies of The Globe and Mail as if it were the gospel of self-delusion, who still imagine that Justin Trudeau’s hair represents leadership instead of an elaborate, taxpayer-funded façade—yes, these people will scoff. They will say, “We are not like you.” They will try to point to vague, romanticized notions of “Canadian values” as a justification for their continued separation. But the reality is this: Canada is already American in every way that matters.
Consider the facts. Canada’s biggest trading partner? The United States.
Canada’s largest cultural influences? American movies, American television, American sports.
Canada’s military protector? The United States.
Strip away the superficial, and what is left? A junior partner to the American empire, a state in everything but name. The only difference is that right now, they do not have voting rights in Washington. The solution? Annexation. Full statehood. A final and complete merger of North America’s most compatible peoples.
This is not merely about a geographical correction or a political inevitability—it is about what is best for both nations. And so, let us break it down with three undeniable reasons why this merger is not only inevitable, but beneficial for both sides.
The Maple Syrup Problem: A National Disgrace and an American Tragedy
There is no delicacy more revered at the American breakfast table than maple syrup. It is more than just a topping—it is a sacred tradition, a golden elixir that turns mere pancakes into something divine. Yet, in a cruel twist of fate, America’s access to this vital resource is subject to the whims of a foreign power.
Canada produces 67% of the world’s maple syrup, with most of it controlled by the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers—an organization so corrupt, so authoritarian, that it operates like the OPEC of breakfast condiments. In America, we believe in free markets, in the power of competition, in the idea that a man should be able to sell his syrup without fearing the wrath of government thugs. Not so in Canada.
Consider the Great Maple Syrup Heist of 2012, when a group of enterprising Canadians dared to think they could sell syrup outside the government’s control. They were wrong. They were hunted down like criminals for treating syrup as an actual commodity instead of a state-protected resource.
Under American law, this nonsense would be eliminated overnight. Maple syrup would be as free as the people who produce it—no tariffs, no government price-fixing, no bureaucratic overreach. With Canada as the 51st state, syrup would be a domestic product, available at lower prices and higher quality to every American.
And, perhaps most importantly, no American will ever again wake up and wonder if his breakfast is being held hostage by a socialist syrup cartel.
2. The Stanley Cup Crisis: A National Humiliation in Need of an American Solution
For a country that prides itself on hockey, Canada has done an abysmal job of actually winning championships. It has been over 30 years since a Canadian team last hoisted the Stanley Cup—a trophy that originated in Canada but now seems permanently out of reach for its own teams.
Consider this absurdity: Florida—a state where ice exists only in drinks—has won the Stanley Cup three times in the last two decades. Meanwhile, Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver, Calgary, and Edmonton have been stuck in a perpetual cycle of mediocrity, playoff collapses, and outright irrelevance.
This is not because Canada lacks talent. It is because Canada’s economic system, tax policies, and market structure have made their teams uncompetitive.
• High taxes mean that top free agents would rather play in Florida, Texas, or Vegas.
• Unstable currency means Canadian teams must offer more money to attract the same players.
• Less media exposure means sponsorship and endorsement deals are smaller, further reducing teams’ ability to retain top talent.
The fix is simple: make Canada part of the United States.
With U.S. tax laws and economic strength behind them, Canadian teams would instantly become more competitive. Toronto could finally sign and keep star players without overpaying. The salary cap would work in their favor, not against them. And finally, after decades of humiliation, a Canadian team might actually win again.
The choice is clear: statehood or another 30 years of watching Tampa Bay dominate your national sport.
3. Untapped Potential: Canada’s Natural Resources and Great Outdoors
Beyond hockey and syrup, there is a larger economic and strategic argument for fully incorporating Canada into the United States. Canada is a resource powerhouse, a vast landmass ripe for development but held back by bureaucratic mismanagement.
Canada is home to:
• Some of the world’s largest untapped oil reserves
• Endless acres of pristine timber and fresh water
• Unmatched opportunities for mining, energy production, and infrastructure growth
Yet instead of leveraging these gifts of nature, Canada’s government has chosen overregulation, inefficiency, and virtue-signaling environmental policies that keep billions of dollars in potential wealth buried underground.
Under American leadership, this would change immediately.
• Keystone XL? Approved overnight.
• Domestic energy independence? Achieved.
• An economic boom in the north? Inevitable.
But it is not just about energy and infrastructure. Canada’s wilderness—the Rockies, the Yukon, the Arctic—represents an unparalleled opportunity for sport and entertainment development.
Imagine:
• World-class ski resorts in Alberta that rival anything in Europe
• Extreme sports hubs in the Yukon and Northwest Territories
• National parks that become global tourist destinations under American management
Canada is sitting on scores of untapped potential, and it lacks the vision or competence to develop it properly. America does not have this problem.
Now, some Canadians might clutch their maple-scented pearls at the thought of this transition. They will cry “imperialism” between bites of their government-rationed poutine, insisting that they are not just America’s northern backyard. But let us be clear: this is not a hostile takeover—this is an intervention.
Your country is on life support, and we are offering you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to upgrade from a second-rate European knockoff to full membership in the greatest nation on Earth. And because we are feeling exceptionally generous, here is what you get:
➡ Instant U.S. Green Cards with no immigration fees—because we are benevolent enough to absorb you without making you jump through the hoops that every actual immigrant has to endure. You will be allowed to live and work in the United States indefinitely, so long as you behave yourselves.
➡ The privilege of residing in a country with actual constitutional rights—and the opportunity to one day earn your way up to the full experience of American freedom, citizenship—if you prove you can earn it like anyone else aspiring to immigrate here.
➡ Most importantly, you will no longer be ruled by a man who wears blackface while lecturing others about racism and calls it “progress.” Yes, that national embarrassment can finally be put out to pasture, and you can start fresh—without a leader who thinks Fidel Castro was just misunderstood.
We are not asking for much. Just your everlasting submission, your natural resources, and maybe a little gratitude for finally liberating you from your own mediocrity.
The right choice—the only choice—is to bring Canada home. Welcome to the United States.